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Life In 'Hard' Mode

Been putting off blogging and procrastinating to write about 'Migration & Mental Health'. Maybe I'll save that for another time but I do want to say that migration definitely comes with its struggles.

We have the physical struggle of moving (and having to move again real soon on our own), and the big psychological struggle that most do not see. It's not anyone's fault that social media captures all the good and never the bad because,

a) said person is crying

b) crying is ugly

c) ugly doesn't need to be shown

or the reality,

d) you don't want your loved ones to worry

There are many invisible stressors, self-induced mostly. I've just come out of an interview that went good (in my opinion) but was a pain prepping for. Felt a real heaviness in my chest, and that churning feeling in your stomach like you're going to vomit. I'm discovering how much I fear interviews, or dislike them. Actually, it's really only the prep that I stress over. Once the video cams come on, it's game time.

Post thought, I wonder if it's being magnified here, because I don't remember prepping THIS much for any interview back in Singapore.

It's the same with our move, the lead-up of goodbyes and prep was so unbearable, but yet on the day of, at the airport and throughout the plane ride to Sydney, I was good - It was GO TIME! What do we call this fear then? The fear of preparation, isn't preparation supposed to eliminate fear?

Living back home is easy, needless to say, we had everything or I had everything going for me, probably mentioned it a few times before in this blog - family, friends, home, dog, my yoga school, routines, yoga student(s), job-i-love, an extremely well set up!

So, why again did we leave to play life in hard mode? This question comes up whenever the going gets tough. But we remind ourselves, that everything is temporary.

Make the most out of your time there and come back for good! ~ Leowie (Sarah's best friend)

When a friend asks how I'm doing here, with lockdown extended and all, my default answer is that I'm OK! We have our good and bad days, likewise with everyone else. But the 'bad' days aren't like regular bad days back home. In fact, I don't really have many down days in Singapore, which is a real blessing to say!

Been crying lot more here than I normally would, and it's silly, the triggers are abnormal. I cried that day when laundry came out bad. Can you believe? Nearly 3 months in and I still can't operate the washing machine to the setting I want. It's probably the machine, a lousy brand, an old thang. So, when the clothes came out damp and frayed, #triggered. It's easy to think "back home, we bought the washing machine of OUR choice, it works perrrfect" Something so simple back home, is actually taken for granted here.

Life IS in hard mode, we don't have any comforts and familiarity of home and job stability (even Gabe is only starting out and it's a-lot of hard work) but this is the challenge we chose.

I didn't try hard mode to please others, but because I wanted to push myself and uncover my potential. I often ask myself "what do I really want to get out of this life on hard mode?" It's a constant question that can probably only be answered when we return home, knowing what we got out of it, but it influences everyday decision. Do my put myself out there to make new friends and find a community, can I stretch myself with this job application, should I call home, as difficult as it is to see Lexus and Jude, am I truly open to all the new experiences that come with this move?

"Going home is to be going back to easy mode" ~ Gabe

I'm not sure what he meant by that, is it a good or bad thing? Do we thrive on the toughest challenges, or prefer to take it easy?

I know it's about finding that perfect balance, and knowing there's nothing inherently wrong with playing on easy or normal if we can have more pleasure with that. But, till then, hard mode isn't the most fun, and I'm learning everyday to have the right perspective. Hence - this post.

And if we're in this analogy of life as a game and its' difficulty settings, I'm thankful that this hard mode comes with multiplayer, Gabe.

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