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  • Sarah

We Got Here.

No more T-Minus, this is it. We're here in Sydney, in the Meriton Suites Mascot, Quarantine - Day 1.

Asking myself,

What did we just do?

How did we get here?

Starting this post by saying THANK YOU to family and friends (and especially Gabe) for helping me here to the finish line. A finish line - that was how it felt when the plane took off. I felt for once in a long while, quite happy. Or maybe more accurately, pleased. I was pleased with myself and proud of us for making it on the flight. I was feeling brave. I was pleased that we were done with packing, unpacking and repacking (more Gabe than me), of home rental logistics, of saying goodbyes (because those were really, really HARD) and having so many emotions it became triggers when someone asked "how are you feeling?" or "all good on your end?" and best one - "what's there to be afraid of?" *cue 💥 *

In my better state now to answer those questions,

1. How are you feeling? (two weeks leading up to our move)

I felt consumed by feelings and thoughts. No matter how many yoga sessions I'd attended, runs I did around the park, minutes of meditation and times I've wept, fears were closing in on me. Call it move jitters, but they were real.

I was sad. I was scared. I was tired of acknowledging feelings and dealing with them. I just didn't want to be forward-looking, optimistic, hopeful and excited. I cried daily, not a day went by without me reaching for tissues or a shoulder or an ear.

It was hard. I had a shorter fuse, fears were magnified, and the Covid news in Singapore was demotivating. Listing all my fears here:

a) The fear of unknowns

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. ~H.P Lovecraft (an American writer of weird and horror fiction)

Yes, and someone else would combat Mr Lovecraft by saying "replace fear of the unknown with curiosity". No. It won't work, not when you don't know when you'd be seeing your friends and family. It's a lot easier if not in a Covid climate to say, "see you in June, it's the school holidays!" or "see you in November" or "December, I'm back for Christmas!" It's not happening right now with the travel bubble, burst.

b) Lack of social support

c) Homesickness

d) Covid

e) Asian hate

f) Our home being lived in by others (another kind of unknown)

g) Loss of independence (both financial and of getting around on my own)

h) Getting around on my own, and then thinking of d and e.

With all that said, I remember an evening when I was in my typical meltdown that Gabe used my words against me. "You said you never want fear to be a reason that you don't try" Boom. You got me. I've always said that, and glad I was reminded. Ate my words.

2. All good on your end?

It takes a lot not to scream at this, so my answer then was telling her that it was an unanswerable question, and I thanked her for asking. I am still stumped on answering this, because I just don't know what "all good" means unless I am back where I started?

3. What's there to be afraid of?

Remind me again, why are we even friends?

Nevertheless, to every friend I cried to, had a meltdown with, confided in, spoken to, replied to, it made every difference to me. Thank you for our friendship and sibling love.

I must say though, on the day we woke to leave for our flight, I felt 'ALL GOOD' - there were no jitters, no more sadness, just silly me on a trolley, ready to go. I still don't know if this would come crashing down (how did i get so pessimistic) but it still feels surreal being here.

I know the finish line is only just the beginning of a whole new race, and we're going to have to deal with repacking and moving around 150kg on our own to the new place when we're out of here, and deal with an extra 8 large boxes arriving there, but...we'll deal with it. We have to, it's the only way forward :)

So, how did we (or I) get here?

  1. By God and the support of my strong friends and family

  2. By my own life quote / ego / pride / mantra of never letting fear hold me back

  3. Gabe. My only rock, still standing.

Other rocks being family, yoga specifically OSY, job, friends, all the familiarity of who and what grounds you. So with just one rock in this Aussieland, I'm here. I've moved out of my comfort zone, literally.

Now time to spend the next 14 days getting rid of dark circles, eye bags, weight-gain, sadness, negativity and turn to blogging eerrday! (hur hur). Wish us luck and send some love!

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